Oh my dear Lord, this is really not going to get any better here soon, or too soon I should say. I am sorry if this is too long for a few of you, but I cannot and do not want to put this in two parts. It is important to me and will be told in one part, although a bit long maybe….
The few that actually know me in real life, the few that read this and are actually my real -life-friends and family, those few knew that it has been a few hard weeks/ months regarding my grandma.
She is one tough cookie, and I think that is where I get my toughness and stuborness from to be honest. 🙂 She is an amazing woman, extremely strong and her will power if something needs to get done is amazing.
Although she is sick with Asthma and Bronchitis for more than 60 years of her life, she always fought, never gave up and never let the sickness rule her. And I realized on more than just one occasion that I was born into an awesome family, and been raised by awesome women!!
I remember so many wonderful days, weekends, vacations at my grandmas house, the time around Christmas when she always made cookies with me and my brothers. And it was always the same, chocolate cookies and sugar cookies. Home made and the best thing you would always eat at that time of the year when you got to her house. Always there for me or my brothers, she listen when I had problems and/or fought with my mom and only talked and told me what she thought when I was completely done ranting and actually took a few breaths and had, or started to have, and open ear for what she has to say about it. And that always made it better, no matter what the problems were.
Now fast forward a few 10+ years, and I am growing up, having two kids on my own, and sitting on the other side of the globe, she was still there for me/us. She is there every Sunday when we Skype with the family, she is there with letters, packages we send and every day in thought and prayers. With us forever and I could feel it.
Then everything comes crashing down when my grandpa died in 2009, shortly before we were deployed to South Korea. A world came crushing down for me, so far away, but also for my grandma who spend her whole life with that one man and went through thick and thin, kids, grand kids and great grand kids with him. Suddenly the apartment was empty, it was only her for most the time, no little kids running around the house like it was back in the day and you could watch every day as her health got worst.
She has been in the hospital this time last year, water in her lungs, her asthma as bad as ever, not enough oxygen and just not doing good at all. Got herself together, some oxygen for the apartment and off she went, all stubborn and enough will power to make it through another year until she finally gets to see her grand kids and great grand kids again.
For me I knew, that when we would get to see her, it would be the last time. The last time for hugs, laughter, amazing stories and family time, sitting together and feeling home….
Then today, all of this came to an end and all I can think this whole day is “I want my grandma back! She has been fighting for so long, why did you take her now, so close to seeing us and me seeing her and being able to say goodbye?” I cannot think of anything else and today hurts very much. The only peace I have during this time: My mom was with her when she passed away, peacefully fell asleep with no coughing, no asthma, no pain. Just going to sleep and finding her peace.
I was trying to find a flight out for me from Thursday to Saturday or Sunday but it is getting too damn expensive and so this will be another funeral where I cannot be there, where I cannot say goodbye or see her for one more time. I will be able to say goodbye to her and grandpa at the same time though when I will get to visit her in June. My grandparents will be the first stop I will make no matter who or what is waiting for me back home. Nothing is as important than that!
Both of my grand parents will always be near, dear and very close to me! In my heart and my love for them will never go away. I know both are watching over me and their great grand babies with nothing but love in their hearts !!